Radiation

The amount of times i’ve written this blog in my head is immeasurable. I want to touch on last april/may when I was undergoing radiation and the early days of chemo.

To say this time period was hell would be an understatement. The doctors told me before I began that my symptoms would “slightly increase” and wow they lied big time. “Slightly increase” was a major understatement. There were moments when I didn’t know if I was alive or dead. I was constantly so confused. I would be scared to fall asleep because I honestly didn’t know if I would wake up. Being completely honest, there were many times when I didn’t want to wake up. I would be drifting asleep and the lights in my living room would seep through my closed eyes. I would think this was the light that was going to bring me home (or however that works.) Everything seemed to take a ton of effort. For example, if I dropped my phone, even if it was a mere few inches out of reach, it would take several hours trying to muster up the motivation to grab it. Some days the motivation would never come to me. 

My parents would make jokes about how much laundry I would do. I probably should reimburse them for their energy bill during that time. I did a lot of laundry for two reasons. The first is self explanatory. With decreased hand to mouth coordination, I usually always ended up wearing whatever I was eating. Secondly, in my constant state of confusion, it was a task I knew I was doing correctly. It made me feel like I was accomplishing something, even if it was just cleaning a sweatshirt. 

The amount of fights I picked with Cody and my parents was sad. I was so angry with my health and life that I would take it out on those around me. I would yell due to pure confusion. I will never be able to make up this bad behavior to them on my part. They were there trying to help and I would lash out. It just overall was sad. 

The thought of the radiation oncology waiting room still sends shivers down my spine. There were many days that I would be in my wheelchair waiting and would cry. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I hated every second of it. 

I had a very hard time communicating with people. I was fortunate enough to have many visitors during this time. I can’t express enough how much I appreciated people stopping by. It would be the highlight of my day. Even though I would have a magnitude of things I would want to say to whoever was visiting, I would remain silent. I couldn’t figure out how to articulate my thoughts into words. 

Showering was extremely hard. The motivation to bathe was almost always non existent and usually my mom would force me to. Overall, the entire process of showering was extremely confusing. My parents would often have to stand outside the shower to assist me if I needed help. To be 26 years old and having to shower with glass doors with one of your parents there isn’t exactly ideal. My mom put in a shower seat. This was crucial because of how off balance I was. I would often just sit and let the water come over me. I didn’t know a lot, but I knew the water felt good. I would sit on the chair and look at all the shower products, like shampoo and body wash, and I wouldn’t know what to do. For example, I knew shampoo cleaned my hair but I couldn’t figure out how to use it. I remember one afternoon I was attempting to shower and I didn’t use any products because I couldn’t figure out what to do. I just sat on the chair under the water for like an hour and got out. 

Overall this time period will forever haunt me. It was the worst time of my life. I still don’t know what really happened exactly but I just know how much I was struggling