Maria’s Miracle

Lately my left eye and side of my face have been really bothering me; since this is the numb eye/side, i’ve been looking at this annoyance as positive. Meaning hopefully the nerves are attempting to heal.  I saw everyone’s 2024 wrapped posts and it made me sort of sad. I barely have any photos that are positive or worthy to be shared because of cancer and treatment. I made sure to not take any photos for awhile during the year because of how swollen my body and face were from the steroid treatment. I don’t have any photos of Cody and I together the night we got engaged because I was so unhappy with how I looked. That was my own choice and I need to live with it now. I hope 2025 is better.  With how awful 2024 was, it will forever be remembered as one of my best years. My beautiful niece was born in August and I got to marry my best friend in November. These two core events will always be so special. They are/were truly bright beams of light in a year of darkness. I need to rem...

If you think my posts are too sad, I guess my advice to you would be to not read them. If you think i’m being overly dramatic, you’re probably right but I don’t really care It is absolutely wild to me that 2024 is coming to an end. I can’t wrap my head around it. Like it just started. At the beginning of the year, I was in the ICU with meningitis and then pretty much directly after that I got diagnosed with the second tumor. I want a year redo or have the past year wiped from my history. I feel like that’s not too much to ask for. 2024 in my mind can f*ck off I legit have no memories from april may and june except a few. I think if I really tried, I could remember a lot more than I do currently. I feel like it’s my body’s way of attempting to protect me or something.  I remember being wheelchaired into radiation every day around 1pm and often crying in the radiation oncology lobby. I remember how one day I was in the middle of a radiation session and Elton John’s song “Im Stil...

I turned 27 yesterday. It felt slightly odd because for a long time it was a birthday I didn’t think i’d see.  I feel like my old self died this year or it’s being held prisoner by a stupid & mentally slow version of myself. I’m not sure if it’s just my poor hearing but even my voice sounds different. In the disabilities form for work my doctor had to complete when I was still employed, they noted mental slowness as a reason for me being unable to work. The doctor noted that this state is temporary and will improve with time. I don’t mean to be impatient but it’s been 8 months and I feel stupider than I ever have. I used to have faith in this state of confusion being temporary but lately it feels permanent. I guess I should start getting used to it. I got married at the end of November. It was an incredibly special day surrounded by family. It’s hard because I often feel guilty. Cody is such a bright and adventurous person and i’m in a consistent state of fatigue. Mar...

The amount of times i’ve written this blog in my head is immeasurable. I want to touch on last april/may when I was undergoing radiation and the early days of chemo. To say this time period was hell would be an understatement. The doctors told me before I began that my symptoms would “slightly increase” and wow they lied big time. “Slightly increase” was a major understatement. There were moments when I didn’t know if I was alive or dead. I was constantly so confused. I would be scared to fall asleep because I honestly didn’t know if I would wake up. Being completely honest, there were many times when I didn’t want to wake up. I would be drifting asleep and the lights in my living room would seep through my closed eyes. I would think this was the light that was going to bring me home (or however that works.) Everything seemed to take a ton of effort. For example, if I dropped my phone, even if it was a mere few inches out of reach, it would take several hours trying to muster up the mo...

I didn’t get the wordle this morning, so I already assumed it would be a hard day. I opened the door to walk Liza and it was snowing/raining. Super. Exactly the type of weather I needed today. I was walking and I tripped over a pile of snow covered leaves. I haven’t lost my balance in a few months or so. I laid on the ground for a minute or so and just cried. I was so disappointed in myself. With tear-filled eyes, I gathered my airpods off the ground and continued on the walk. Earlier this month I got to meet my niece for the first time. She is absolutely beautiful. I remember when I first was diagnosed with the second tumor back in March/April, I didn’t know if I would still be alive for her birth. At night when I couldn’t sleep back in the spring, I would try to think of things I could do to help Charlotte remember me in case I didn’t make it. I wanted her to know who I was and how much I already loved her. Finally holding her remembering all this was such a full circle moment. Last ...

figured my caring bridge site should be only for health status updates and I don’t need to include my personal thoughts on there - and I have a lot of thoughts. I’m constantly told by people that I have to write a book. A book seems daunting, so I figured I would start with a blog. So read on if you would like, or don’t, I won’t know either way. I think back to several months ago, around November 2023 through February 2024. I was having horrible migraines and fatigue. I think I saw 4 different doctors about it. I feel like none of them took me seriously. I have always had migraines, but these migraines were unlike anything I had experienced in the past. I tried to articulate that to doctors, that these migraines were different. I usually ended up in the hospital ER when one struck. At the hospital, I would be given heavy pain medication and fluids and would feel better eventually. I was so desperate to prevents these migraines that I went so far as to getting a nerve block in my neck/h...