Maria’s Miracle

The possibility of losing my mobility and balance from treatment should have been articulated to me before I did radiation a second time. I’ve thought a lot about it and I’ve determined if given the choice between radiation and all its side effects or progression, I would pick progression. Too late now I guess.  I’m, of course, thankful for my positive scan. However, when everyone is expressing such praise for the good scan, I can’t help but get slightly irritated. Regardless of what the scan shows, I still can’t walk. Why are you expressing so much gratitude when I can’t walk? It’s hard to be appreciative of a good scan when you’re so debilitated. I obviously know I’m alive but what I’ve been doing for the past year or so is not living. I hide away at home 99% of the time because going out of the house is so much work and being around people is humiliating. It feels unbelievably degrading not being able to walk or do much of anything. Things don’t seem to be improving anytime soon...

I feel like I’ve been treading water. I’m gasping desperately for air. On the plus side, I’m not going in reverse but I’m not making any progress either. I fell twice today already and it wasn’t even noon yet. It’s extremely hard to realize it’s halfway through 2025 already. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that I’ve gone nowhere and accomplished nothing.  I had two events I had to decline this weekend due to immobility. I had a close friend’s bachelorette party and a wedding up north. Having to forgo both events was painful. I felt horrible. I feel bad all the time due to my current status but I especially did these past few days.  I had PT on Monday. Although I have been absolutely despising pt, I have hoped it has been beneficial. My therapist had me repeat mobility tests on Monday that I did back in early March. I was extremely disappointed to find out I scored the same on the exams both times. I get there are several ways to appreciate the progress I’ve made thes...

This past weekend was hard. Saturday was supposed to be my wedding day. If you don’t remember my previous post, I had to cancel our wedding celebration because of my immobility. My mobility is still extremely shakey. I fall often, it is really difficult to cope with. I try hard all the time to walk but the other day I thought if I really focused I would be able to walk across my room unassisted. I fell after the first step. I was so disappointed in myself. In the past, whenever I really have set my mind to it, I’ve been successful in completing a task; this hasn’t been the case lately. I will not stop trying though, regardless of how long it takes me. 

I feel as though I’m having what most would refer to as “religious struggles.” When people say “it’s God’s plan” or “He’ll be there for you” I want to scoff in their face. Where the f*ck has he been. There is no way God’s plan for me included this much struggle. It can’t be. I’ve since put it back on, but I didn’t wear my Miraculous Mary medal for awhile. I really hope there’s someone out there looking out for me, whether it’s God or some other power.  I have not legitimately prayed in awhile and so I didn’t want to submit high demands. Because of this, I did not pray for a cure - that seemed unreasonable. I asked simply for tomorrow to be better than today.  I took mobility for granted. You don’t realize how critical it is - until you can’t. I would do almost anything to be able to independently walk my dog around the block. Or even just walk around the house without my walker. That seems like a reasonable goal.  I hope my time isn’t coming to a close. I have so much I w...

As a shock to no one, life’s been hard. I cannot walk, or even stand, without assistance. Even with help, it is incredibly difficult. I used to think double vision was horrible, now having just that would be a walk in the park. I’m fairly certain my 80-something grandma is faster than me currently. I feel like the biggest burden to everyone. I also have no strength whatsoever. I can’t even roll over in bed unless Cody helps me. If he doesn’t help move me, I can guarantee that I won’t move an inch. I cannot move; regardless of how hard I try. Because of my current state, we cancelled the ceremony part of our wedding celebration. We still have our reception scheduled. I’ve never been someone who has dreams of her wedding, but the fact I won’t walk down the aisle is so hard to accept. It makes me so sad to think about it. I try to think of our day happily; it’s become hard to.  I don’t see any possible way I’ll be able to dance at my wedding celebration currently. I hope everythi...

Lately my left eye and side of my face have been really bothering me; since this is the numb eye/side, i’ve been looking at this annoyance as positive. Meaning hopefully the nerves are attempting to heal.  I saw everyone’s 2024 wrapped posts and it made me sort of sad. I barely have any photos that are positive or worthy to be shared because of cancer and treatment. I made sure to not take any photos for awhile during the year because of how swollen my body and face were from the steroid treatment. I don’t have any photos of Cody and I together the night we got engaged because I was so unhappy with how I looked. That was my own choice and I need to live with it now. I hope 2025 is better.  With how awful 2024 was, it will forever be remembered as one of my best years. My beautiful niece was born in August and I got to marry my best friend in November. These two core events will always be so special. They are/were truly bright beams of light in a year of darkness. I need to rem...