goodbye 2024

If you think my posts are too sad, I guess my advice to you would be to not read them. If you think i’m being overly dramatic, you’re probably right but I don’t really care

It is absolutely wild to me that 2024 is coming to an end. I can’t wrap my head around it. Like it just started. At the beginning of the year, I was in the ICU with meningitis and then pretty much directly after that I got diagnosed with the second tumor. I want a year redo or have the past year wiped from my history. I feel like that’s not too much to ask for. 2024 in my mind can f*ck off

I legit have no memories from april may and june except a few. I think if I really tried, I could remember a lot more than I do currently. I feel like it’s my body’s way of attempting to protect me or something. 

I remember being wheelchaired into radiation every day around 1pm and often crying in the radiation oncology lobby. I remember how one day I was in the middle of a radiation session and Elton John’s song “Im Still Standing” came on the speakers and it felt the song touched my soul, or whatever was left of it.

Things start to clear up at the end of May. I remember being forced to go to my cabin for memorial day and I really did not want to go. I wanted to be alone. Because my free-will wasn't a thing, I went up north. I remember changing in a gas station bathroom during the trek up to my cabin. I don’t remember why I was changing but I just remember the sheer confusion. I remember standing in the bathroom stall and I didn’t know if I was finished putting my clothes on. After what felt like an hour, I very hesitantly left the bathroom and stumbled/walked through the gas station. I have no idea if my clothes were put on correctly or even if I had clothes on at all. I guess I really don’t care and it doesn’t matter either way by now. 

I went with my family to Dallas in June for my sister’s baby shower. I feel awful because my mind was so scrambled at the time and I did nothing to help prepare for the shower. I made it to Dallas somehow but I remember screaming at my family about something. I’m sure it was something incredibly irrelevant. I want to apologize profusely to my brother in law and his family that had to uncomfortably sit through me screaming at my parents. I honestly feel like I ruined the weekend for everyone that had to deal with my delusional and incompetent self

As much as I wish I remembered more of these months, I think I would be mortified at what all actually went down. So maybe it’s for the best that I have little recollection of this time period

I’ll be welcoming 2025 with open arms

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

meningitis RIP

figured my caring bridge site should be only for health status updates and I don’t need to include my personal thoughts on there - and I have a lot of thoughts. I’m constantly told by people that I have to write a book. A book seems daunting, so I figured I would start with a blog. So read on if you would like, or don’t, I won’t know either way. I think back to several months ago, around November 2023 through February 2024. I was having horrible migraines and fatigue. I think I saw 4 different doctors about it. I feel like none of them took me seriously. I have always had migraines, but these migraines were unlike anything I had experienced in the past. I tried to articulate that to doctors, that these migraines were different. I usually ended up in the hospital ER when one struck. At the hospital, I would be given heavy pain medication and fluids and would feel better eventually. I was so desperate to prevents these migraines that I went so far as to getting a nerve block in my neck/h...
Read more

2024 Reflection

Lately my left eye and side of my face have been really bothering me; since this is the numb eye/side, i’ve been looking at this annoyance as positive. Meaning hopefully the nerves are attempting to heal.  I saw everyone’s 2024 wrapped posts and it made me sort of sad. I barely have any photos that are positive or worthy to be shared because of cancer and treatment. I made sure to not take any photos for awhile during the year because of how swollen my body and face were from the steroid treatment. I don’t have any photos of Cody and I together the night we got engaged because I was so unhappy with how I looked. That was my own choice and I need to live with it now. I hope 2025 is better.  With how awful 2024 was, it will forever be remembered as one of my best years. My beautiful niece was born in August and I got to marry my best friend in November. These two core events will always be so special. They are/were truly bright beams of light in a year of darkness. I need to rem...
Read more

Radiation

The amount of times i’ve written this blog in my head is immeasurable. I want to touch on last april/may when I was undergoing radiation and the early days of chemo. To say this time period was hell would be an understatement. The doctors told me before I began that my symptoms would “slightly increase” and wow they lied big time. “Slightly increase” was a major understatement. There were moments when I didn’t know if I was alive or dead. I was constantly so confused. I would be scared to fall asleep because I honestly didn’t know if I would wake up. Being completely honest, there were many times when I didn’t want to wake up. I would be drifting asleep and the lights in my living room would seep through my closed eyes. I would think this was the light that was going to bring me home (or however that works.) Everything seemed to take a ton of effort. For example, if I dropped my phone, even if it was a mere few inches out of reach, it would take several hours trying to muster up the mo...
Read more